When I was fist introduced to the wondrous world of cancer the first chemo I received was adriamycin. From experience most BC patients get this super fun drug and have given it the nick name... red devil. I think that's a fairly apropos description of the stuff. That big red bag of awesome made my hair fall out at 2 weeks on the dot. Great massive clumps of fur came out with little to no effort. It was pretty traumatic and shocking. I'm not sure which was worse the hair loss or the projectile vomiting the horrific body aches or dead taste buds. Total hair loss is a trip. I hated it. I bought wigs... very nice ones and even today people at work haven't noticed that I've been sick. I consider this an awesome thing.
Some women like to go commando proudly displaying a bald head to the world... saying "yeah, I got the cancer what are you lookin' at" Others wear pretty head scarves and big earrings. I prefer to look like nothing is wrong. I've found that I really hate pitty and I really don't want to be treated like a sick person. Lets face it... people are freaked out by sick people- I am, and I have now BEEN a sick person.
I only had two rounds of the red devil before I was tossed into surgery. When the pathology reports came back in that my removed tumor showed "negligible necrosis" I was pretty upset. Having just gone through one of the more nasty chemos to find that my tumor was chemo resistant really sucked. You expect something that toxic to beat the crap out of cancer and when it doesn't what hope do you have left? After I healed from the mastectomy I had 36 rounds of radiation. My skin resembled cooked bacon and I was particularly grateful that the mastectomy left my chest numb. The only parts of radiation burn I suffered was in my armpit. THAT I most definitely felt.
Now that my tumor is out and I've had radiation clean up and a scar boost I was left with a hard decision. My oncologist asked me to do 6 months of Taxol... to be given weekly. I get the stuff 3 weeks in a row and get a week off for my blood cells to recover. 6 months... that seems like forever- 24 rounds of a toxic agent. The hard part of the decision was this: Since the last chemotherapy did not work... and there is no longer a tumor to measure how well the chemo is working... I feel that I am given Taxol blindly with no way to know if its helping or harming. That's a scary thought to me. It's like a crap shoot. Oncology is about as refined as Russian roulette. And then you wait. Wait to live, or wait to die. That's what my life has become.
I digress. So, I have done 3 weeks of Taxol, and I just finished my week off for good behavior. My oncologist thought I might be able to keep my hair but it turns out that was wishful thinking. I was so excited when I went past the 2 week mark and nary a hair had dropped from my head. It took 3 weeks. So my hair is very very thin now, I look like an old man with mange. It hasn't completely fallen out yet though. The hair loss from taxol is not like it was with Adrimycin total and complete. It's taking its sweet time. Torturing me slowly instead of just falling out. It's depressing. The first time it fell out with Adria it was a shock and scary and horrible... this time is just sort of like... alright, guess my hair is falling out, better go buy some more hats. It's not any easier the second time you lose your hair. I am just more resigned to it I suppose. Life needs a fast forward button. I hate "treatment".
Dear hair,
I like, REALLY miss you. I'm expecting to tell my docs to suck eggs in about a month or so- you can come back after that. I was thinking... I know you were all curly after the last chemo... but seriously... no more of that. I hated the curly look. I have no idea what to do with you and I am not down with having a fro'. Please remedy this when you grow back in.
Sincerely,
Fragile ego.
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