Naked Mole Rat

Oh chemotherapy... you foul bastard. How I hate thee.

So, I had my third chemotherapy infusion this past Tuesday... I am getting taxol. But unlike you poor women that have suffered through it I am getting a small dose weekly instead of a big one. No neuropathy yet... and mostly uneventful and painless until about 4 days after the infusion... then I am visited upon with some pretty shady bone pain. Nothing really makes that feel any better.

My doctor was telling me that since the taxol is at such a low dose that I might not lose my hair... but not to count on that assessment of course. I was sort of hoping that I could keep my ridiculous looking jew-fro for a while longer. Chemo has made my hair so curly that its largely an unmanageable afro. Still, it was my afro. I am not looking forward to having to wear wigs again. They're all fantastic naturally but blarg...! I'm not sure if this is me specific but the first hair to go is the kind that lives on my girly bits. Followed by my underarm fuzz and then finally... my head. Does cancer treatment never end!?! Plus my steroids are making me a fat ass. There is no dignity in any of this.

So I hate chemo. I think its the most counter intuitive bullcrap ever. The only thing standing in your corner fighting cancer is your immune system. It makes no sense to me to knock your immune system out. Seriously. So stupid... so much of the new research coming out are all about immune boosting... trying to leverage your own bodies defenses against this shit. But of course... not for me. Or most of you for that matter. We get the old stand by that literally hasn't changed much since the 1950's.... save for better side effect minimizing drugs. Thanks guys. Thanks.

So I found some articles that scared the bejesus out of me. http://www.topix.com/forum/com/bmy/TE8I4FMR11N2GFDDU its basically about how chemotherapy (taxol specifically) creates these great pathological results in which the tumor shrinks and breaks down. But the overall circulating cancer cells that are veritably dumped by the truckloads from the shrinking tumor are alive and throwing parties somewhere else in your body once taxol treatment terminates. Nice huh? So the overall survival rates are not really survival rates at all. Fancy that. I think we get better despite these barbaric treatments that leave us broken and altered for life. I guess one can make the argument that uncomfortable life is better than no life. But I can tell you that If this crap I have comes back.... I am moving to a tropical island writing a strongly worded letter to some big pharma companies and then going out in a blaze of awesome.

I'm angry. Very angry. I'm not sure how in the hell I am supposed to "get through" weekly chemo treatments for the next 6 months of my life. I've had 3 and I am about to throw my oncologist out the window.

All About the Bewbies!

Okay ladies... just because we are missing some boo-bees does NOT mean we are not still sexy... or interested in being sexy. I may be on the really young end of breast cancer at 26 but not EVERYONE that gets breast cancer wants to wear bras that look like they were shaped together out of waffle cones! I cannot imagine being 56 and wanting to wear ugly bras either. If you're having radiation and cant get reconstruction right away for whatever reason... the prostheses are HORRIBLE. They're heavy, squishy, don't cover the right tissue, pokey, sweaty, stupid shapes not made for women that have concave chests after a mastectomy.

Step one... dear boob and bra designers. These are boobs. They come in several shapes and sizes. Secondly... here is a graphic depiction of what I look like... other women may vary of course but the anatomy of a missing boob is pretty predictable. It's sort of concave... bewbage used to be there... but now it is not. Why on earth are you designing prostheses that don't fit our shapes?

Thirdly... the bras. C'mon. We're done wearing the anti-sex 2000. Amoena and other bra makers, breast cancer patients aren't puritanical prudes. Women need to feel good about themselves... especially with all that we have to put up with with having breast cancer.ugly I drew all of these for you women on here. I hope you enjoy them. I hope they make you laugh at our shared plight and brighten your day.



-Tracey.

Cancer shmancer! a 26 year olds perspective

So, I never have joined a cancer site before... mainly because I don't really have breast cancer per se. I have some other weird cancer called angiosarcoma which happens to have shown up in my left breast. So where do I fit in? No one ever gets angiosarcoma so there aren't really any support groups for such a rarity. However, the results of having angiosarcoma in the breast is similar... I've had a mastectomy, I've had radiation, I've had chemo... and I started chemo again last tuesday. So here I am, missing a boob, scared, angry, young (Im 26) and tired of having no one to talk to. There will be differences between us but I think how cancer leaves a person is universal.

So, hello everyone. I'm Tracey. I was diagnosed with a rare and nasty cancer in January. I've kept a very cool journal for most of that time. Im an artist for Disney so drawing in my book and having very colorful entries is a way to keep myself sane. I've decided to take my diatribes to the internets. Beware! I might post some images from it on here!

I think many of you (as I have discovered for myself) sometimes its hard to talk to friends and family about how you REALLY feel. My outward persona to everyone is one of sheer dogged determination to kick cancers ass. And it is... but no one besides maybe my boyfriend of 4 years sees the utter terror and uncertainty that lurks just below the surface of "you're so brave". Stupid things that make up our daily lives will never even enter the minds of people that haven't had the cancer bus barreling towards them at 90 mph. Things like EVERYTHING that feels different or funny or hurty about our body now turns into something sinister... "my ribs hurt... oh god has it metastasized? My armpit feels lumpy oh god Im going to die aren't I?!" That is normal from what I hear... isn't it? Normal or not, it sucks. Despite my Herculean efforts to calm down... its not easy to do sometimes. I think meditation helps the most and then an Ativan. Man, is it just me or do oncologists pass that stuff out like candy? I <3>lorazepam. How do you other patients cope?

I think the most indignant part of having cancer isn't losing your boobies... or hair or having menopause prematurely or barfing, no eyebrows, constipation and mouth sores... its being fat from the steroids given with chemo. I mean we look bad enough without THAT!

I end this with...

'Dear cancer, you've ruined pretty much everything ever, the least you can do is get rid of my butt flab.'

Sincerely,

-Tracey