Progress

My hair is growing back... oh dear merciful baby jebus, it's straight. The first time it grew back after chemo it was curly. I hated it. I prefer NOT having hair to having curly hair. So this time, to my sheer elation, it came back straight! I'm not entirely sure what my dear ol' hair is up to though, it's growing in fairly thick but I have these 2 spots above my temples that refuse to grow. I look like a little old man with a receding hair line. My eyelashes are growing in very squirrly and kinky. I'm waiting for that to normalize... and my eyebrows are slowly coming in too. No nose hair yet... I can't say that is a bad thing tough. I will be so happy when my hair it grows out enough for me to ditch the wigs. I'd like my head to be free!

I drew a self portrait with hair progress. I look like a chia pet with illustrated grumpy face and weird eyebrows. Gooooo me!

Illustrated party bummer

I do try and stay positive, and most of the time I am successful. It's been a long road this past year and I am still figuring out the new normal and the new me. One of the side effects of chemotherapy was rapid weight gain. I gained 19 lbs over the course of the last 4 months on Taxol. Nothing fits and I am pretty miserable. I don't recognize myself and I think my butt may have registered with Los Angeles county for its own zip code. It's difficult to go through such an emotionally and physically challenging ordeal such as cancer without the additional muffin-tops. Funnily enough my sense of pride and vanity is mostly related to the chub factor. I've always been a thin person and I am now officially (according to my BMI) overweight. It's embarrassing and even though I have an excellent excuses as to why I've become fat, it causes me almost more grief than missing a breast or having no hair.

My cats have taken to trying to hibernate in my squishy fatness when I get out of the shower. The combination of warm pudgy smell good pillow people is too much for my cats to resist. When I get up in the morning I am covered in kitties.... ain't right I tell you!

Here... have a picture.

OUCH! and an MRI update.

I'm all done, but I sure don't feel done. I guess because I am a living billboard for cancer. I have this awesome newly fat and mangled physique. Hot stuff I tell you. Maybe it will feel more final when I get my port removed.

So I got my MRI results back for restaging and to look for mets. Here is a Tracey-fied version of what it says:

Patient has had her left boobie lopped off and irradiated. There is mild irregular thickening of the underlying major and minor boobie muscles (pecs)... we know this because we injected some contrast and that area looks all cloudy and feathery with some veins snaking around in it. Also the muscles under the armpit (lats) are swollen. The lower chest and upper abdomen are all poofy too. In the fat layer. She's a little swollen in a near perfect square. Kinda freaky if you ask us.

We don't see any signs of tumors anywhere in the muscle swelling. We also don't see any tumors in the lungs. We did however discover the secrets to space flight hidden in her right kidney (not really true).

Conclusion: Us here MRI readers thing the poofyness is caused by boob removal and radiation. Probably....

We sorta think you should get a baseline PET/CT.

Sincerely,

MRI readers of America.

Huh? PROBABLY caused by radiation... and... and.... SHOULD get a PET/CT scan?! Cant you be a little more definitive than that MRI readers of America?!

My franken boobie hurts. All the time. It has all sorts of interesting sensations..... like tingly, itchy, shooting pains, sometimes feels like it's being prodded by burning pokers... sometimes flaming ninja stars, it ALWAYS feels like I just subjected my left side to a thousand chest flys so it feels sore. I can't move it around that good either because its stiff. I also have this otherworldly tan that happens to be in the shape of a square.

Is all that normal!? Chemotherapy really sucked... and when I say chemo I only mean Adriamycin. Radiation however was the worst thing ever.

Here are some graphic representations of what my frankeboobie feels like... Is this NORMAL!?

Last day of chemo. Breast reconstruction?

I'm done tomorrow! Hopefully forever. I've made 2 cakes. One for the oncologist and one for the chemo nurses in the infusion room. I'm outta there.

New boobs time.

Well, It's nearly been a year since I've had my left breast cut off. I've endured 2 rounds of adiramycin, simple mastectomy to the left breast, 38 rounds of radiation, and 12 rounds of Taxol. If that doesn't beat the hell out of my angiosarcoma I'm not meant to live. If it comes back I'll chalk it up to inferior genetics, bad luck... and wander off into the Mojave desert to die. No joke.

I can get reconstruction (implant) in February. Huzzah! So here is my question... I've actually found very little information about implants post radiation. Evidently a lot of doctors say no. I understand that the musculature and skin is less elastic and has fibrous banding making implants do crazy things... from capsular contracture to actually being pushed through the chest wall (OMG!). I'd love to hear from anyone who's had the experience (good or bad) of implant reconstruction post radiation.

I really want to ditch the breast form. I also don't need more body drama... If its more trouble than it's worth I can wait 2 years for a TRAM flap... though honestly that sounds pretty nuts too.

Thoughts?

-Trace

Beginning of the end

So, I'm almost done with treatment! I just had the first of my last infusions today. I have 2 left after today. I'll be done on the 15th. I'm so... happy? I mean I am happy, but its weird to think I just wait now... for it to come back- for it not to come back. I don't think that feeling of impending doom is ever going to let up.

Also my oncologist agreed to give me MRI's now. I am happy about that, they take longer but they're not radiation. I have been reading a lot of studies about the over prescribed usage of CAT scans and linking them to cancer. It's a giant freaking x-ray... we know that's not good. Considering everything. I'd like to not turn into Chernobyl anytime soon.

I've decided to put together a charity art show for sarcoma research (sorry BC ladies) I got a missing boobie but sarcoma is an underfunded under-loved area of cancer research, and it's what I have. My oncologists eyes light up like flashbulbs... he was telling me about tax codes for charities, guest lists and that he wanted to give a speech and buy art. RIGHT ON! I figure I need to do SOMETHING in appreciation of not dying. I'll make a boatload of cash for research and patient care. I have a LOT of friends in the industry (more famous than myself)... I need help coming up with a theme for the show. I want the different styles of art to have a common theme.

Aside from that I think I might teach an art therapy class. Being creative is a great way to unload some of the fears you have roiling around your brain.

I think nude modeling would be cool too... got body issues? What better way to get over them than to show them to a bunch of discerning art students? I think it would have been neat to draw a cancer patient in life drawing when I was in school. So much I wanna do now that I am nearly done with cancer treatment.

Meeting new people with BC

So I actually met a real life person from the BCN! Her name is Peggie (pegLove), she's always posting and keeping us up-to-date on here with her wonderful blogs. I had the opportunity to go visit her while she was recovering from her lumpectomy.

As most of you know anesthesia can to uh... do bad things to the innards. Having had 3 surgeries and lots of chemo... by now, I FEEL the pain if you know what I mean. So, I was able to brig over the only thing I've found that will get things... moving. Oxy Powder has got to be the greatest product on earth. I mean I had my Dr's prescribing me stuff for weeks trying to get me to go. All of which either did not work or caused me the most excruciating abdominal pain I've ever experienced. No fun. I remembered using the Oxy Powder (oxygen based colon cleanser) before and thought... oh I have some extra! I'll try it! Sweet sweet merciful relief ensued. For like days... I swear I lost 5 lbs. So yeah... paying that forward for a breast cancer patient in need is where it's at. I have decided pooping is very important.

Aside from the helping the needy I also found that Peggie and Dylan were quite the sweethearts. I came over at 7ish and I am positive I overstayed my welcome... I do that. Sometimes I find it impossible to shut up when I'm nervous. I wasn't always this way. I have a Canadian friend who is teaching me bad habits! I met Peggie and Dylans little dog Luna, their two impeccably hair-do'd parakeets and got acquainted with their very cute house. It was nice to be able to talk to a young person who understands what it is like to have cancer. I dare say that is different for us younger women who are fighting this disease. We've not had children (and may not be able to after chemo) and have a different perspective on what the future would have held for us. I found that Adam and I and Peggie and Dylan have similar world views, similar taste in mirrors, and similar taste in procreation. As in neither of us want kids. In fact I scored a very amusing book from Peggie about the joys of un-parenting. Peggie was ever so sweet and gave me a necklace to wear while beating up cancer as well as loaning me a book. I feel woefully shameful that I didn't bring a gift for her... do poo pills count? I hope so!

I have also talked with Nichole from here... who is also very sweet and is having a hard time recovering emotionally from all of the rigmarole that we cancer women have to deal with. It's really nice to be able to talk to someone (be she face to face or in Florida) and help them get through a difficult patch. I'm never so happy as when I can help another person. We are left with some very ugly aftermath after losing breasts and our confidence. I was able to keep mine save for a short spell of getting used to my new body. My perspective on life and body, I feel, are unique and seem to be helping with the women who've contacted me. I just want people to be happy... and despite having a very scary and trying disease, I feel you can be happy... preposterously happy, as I am.

I'm happy to have met you Peggie, Dylan and Nichole! You're very special people.



-Trace

I'm a fatty!

I have 4 treatments left in my Taxol torture after yesterdays infusion. Yayyyyyy. I can't even tell you how happy I am to be done with this crap after a year of treatment now. I really hope this is it... that nothing else has to happen to me.

My blood counts are getting looooow. My white count is great though, its up at around 5.6 all the time. It doesn't fluctuate very much. My RBC Hemoglobin and Platelets are flagged as low. They are in the 2's.... if they go below one I have to stop treatment until I start producing more blood. Or get a transfusion. Yipes! Do not want. Any suggestions on making more bloods? I can't take iron. I just want to get to the end of this crap without delay.... and leave 2009 (the worst year of my life) behind me forever.

The hair. I know I complain about not having any. So I got bored today at work and gave myself some celebrity/movie hair. Enjoy!

I hope you're all doing wonderfully.

Namaste,

-Tracey