Thus ends my 2nd cycle 6th treatment in my happy fun time Taxol treatments. Monday approaches and I get to let my blood bounce back and try and squash my extra 15lbs of ass into a Halloween costume that steroids have made WAY too tight.
I have the most fantastic acne. I feel 17 again... oh joy except with significantly more fat, no hair and crows feet.... oh yeah and missing a boob. Can't forget that part now CAN I?! All in all I am feeling pretty meh about this whole process. I wake up and give cancer the proverbial finger and start my day by trying to hide my blotchy skin and my newly acquired back fat. This is no easy process. I am so swollen that I can barely bend my fingers and toes. I have dimpled knuckles and chin fat. I am starting to look like a hairless cherub and I am NOT digging it. I'm indignant.
So having the steroids make me heinously fat is real fun but the worry at the heart of the issue is that I am having some pretty severe pain in my left side. It is a burning stabby, itchy pain... quite frankly it is the same pain I had when I still had the tumor... its just in my ribs and the muscle under my clavicle. I have a nagging feeling that I have a real problem going on in that side of my body. I think the cancer is back. My oncologist seems to think its radiation recall. But you know how sometimes you just know? I have that very very bad feeling... a bright red flag waving in front of my subconscious mind saying "Oye! Big C is back and its going to be much worse this time". I keep having nightmares that I am dying, but I can't die here in my house... the landlord would have to tell prospective buyers that there was a death in the house and it would effect the resale value. So the rest of my dream I am stuck dying at my Dads house in Arizona and no one can see me because its too far away. Yeah, dreaming about your own death is not much fun. I could seriously do without that.
I just feel crappy today and I feel like I am doomed. I just wanted to tell the ether that I'm scared.
I'll go back to my regular scheduled programing of being excessively "brave" now.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Paper Dolls
Hey ladies!
I was recently asked to write an article on sex, love and cancer... sounds like soap opera huh? Anyway It's a pretty cool piece and might be an insight into how many of us feel post chemo and surgery. Mangled... ugly and freaked out.
I illustrated a cancer paper doll. If you're ambitious you can cut her out and put the sexy bedroom outfits on her. At first this was the only way I felt normal in front of my boyfriend. I eventually got used to my new topography but it took some time and a lot of self reflection. I had to give up that I no longer had a nubile 26 year olds body. When you quit wishing for things you do not have there is a freedom that comes with it.
Here is a link to the article at http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33213581 and will be followed by a feature on breast cancer for the Today Show website Thursday. Please create site traffic and share your thoughts on love and sex in the comments section. There are women we can help with our experiences.
Here is the illustration. I hope you think its fun.
Namaste,
-Tracey
Monday, October 5, 2009
Dear Hair
When I was fist introduced to the wondrous world of cancer the first chemo I received was adriamycin. From experience most BC patients get this super fun drug and have given it the nick name... red devil. I think that's a fairly apropos description of the stuff. That big red bag of awesome made my hair fall out at 2 weeks on the dot. Great massive clumps of fur came out with little to no effort. It was pretty traumatic and shocking. I'm not sure which was worse the hair loss or the projectile vomiting the horrific body aches or dead taste buds. Total hair loss is a trip. I hated it. I bought wigs... very nice ones and even today people at work haven't noticed that I've been sick. I consider this an awesome thing.
Some women like to go commando proudly displaying a bald head to the world... saying "yeah, I got the cancer what are you lookin' at" Others wear pretty head scarves and big earrings. I prefer to look like nothing is wrong. I've found that I really hate pitty and I really don't want to be treated like a sick person. Lets face it... people are freaked out by sick people- I am, and I have now BEEN a sick person.
I only had two rounds of the red devil before I was tossed into surgery. When the pathology reports came back in that my removed tumor showed "negligible necrosis" I was pretty upset. Having just gone through one of the more nasty chemos to find that my tumor was chemo resistant really sucked. You expect something that toxic to beat the crap out of cancer and when it doesn't what hope do you have left? After I healed from the mastectomy I had 36 rounds of radiation. My skin resembled cooked bacon and I was particularly grateful that the mastectomy left my chest numb. The only parts of radiation burn I suffered was in my armpit. THAT I most definitely felt.
Now that my tumor is out and I've had radiation clean up and a scar boost I was left with a hard decision. My oncologist asked me to do 6 months of Taxol... to be given weekly. I get the stuff 3 weeks in a row and get a week off for my blood cells to recover. 6 months... that seems like forever- 24 rounds of a toxic agent. The hard part of the decision was this: Since the last chemotherapy did not work... and there is no longer a tumor to measure how well the chemo is working... I feel that I am given Taxol blindly with no way to know if its helping or harming. That's a scary thought to me. It's like a crap shoot. Oncology is about as refined as Russian roulette. And then you wait. Wait to live, or wait to die. That's what my life has become.
I digress. So, I have done 3 weeks of Taxol, and I just finished my week off for good behavior. My oncologist thought I might be able to keep my hair but it turns out that was wishful thinking. I was so excited when I went past the 2 week mark and nary a hair had dropped from my head. It took 3 weeks. So my hair is very very thin now, I look like an old man with mange. It hasn't completely fallen out yet though. The hair loss from taxol is not like it was with Adrimycin total and complete. It's taking its sweet time. Torturing me slowly instead of just falling out. It's depressing. The first time it fell out with Adria it was a shock and scary and horrible... this time is just sort of like... alright, guess my hair is falling out, better go buy some more hats. It's not any easier the second time you lose your hair. I am just more resigned to it I suppose. Life needs a fast forward button. I hate "treatment".
Dear hair,
I like, REALLY miss you. I'm expecting to tell my docs to suck eggs in about a month or so- you can come back after that. I was thinking... I know you were all curly after the last chemo... but seriously... no more of that. I hated the curly look. I have no idea what to do with you and I am not down with having a fro'. Please remedy this when you grow back in.
Sincerely,
Fragile ego.
Some women like to go commando proudly displaying a bald head to the world... saying "yeah, I got the cancer what are you lookin' at" Others wear pretty head scarves and big earrings. I prefer to look like nothing is wrong. I've found that I really hate pitty and I really don't want to be treated like a sick person. Lets face it... people are freaked out by sick people- I am, and I have now BEEN a sick person.
I only had two rounds of the red devil before I was tossed into surgery. When the pathology reports came back in that my removed tumor showed "negligible necrosis" I was pretty upset. Having just gone through one of the more nasty chemos to find that my tumor was chemo resistant really sucked. You expect something that toxic to beat the crap out of cancer and when it doesn't what hope do you have left? After I healed from the mastectomy I had 36 rounds of radiation. My skin resembled cooked bacon and I was particularly grateful that the mastectomy left my chest numb. The only parts of radiation burn I suffered was in my armpit. THAT I most definitely felt.
Now that my tumor is out and I've had radiation clean up and a scar boost I was left with a hard decision. My oncologist asked me to do 6 months of Taxol... to be given weekly. I get the stuff 3 weeks in a row and get a week off for my blood cells to recover. 6 months... that seems like forever- 24 rounds of a toxic agent. The hard part of the decision was this: Since the last chemotherapy did not work... and there is no longer a tumor to measure how well the chemo is working... I feel that I am given Taxol blindly with no way to know if its helping or harming. That's a scary thought to me. It's like a crap shoot. Oncology is about as refined as Russian roulette. And then you wait. Wait to live, or wait to die. That's what my life has become.
I digress. So, I have done 3 weeks of Taxol, and I just finished my week off for good behavior. My oncologist thought I might be able to keep my hair but it turns out that was wishful thinking. I was so excited when I went past the 2 week mark and nary a hair had dropped from my head. It took 3 weeks. So my hair is very very thin now, I look like an old man with mange. It hasn't completely fallen out yet though. The hair loss from taxol is not like it was with Adrimycin total and complete. It's taking its sweet time. Torturing me slowly instead of just falling out. It's depressing. The first time it fell out with Adria it was a shock and scary and horrible... this time is just sort of like... alright, guess my hair is falling out, better go buy some more hats. It's not any easier the second time you lose your hair. I am just more resigned to it I suppose. Life needs a fast forward button. I hate "treatment".
Dear hair,
I like, REALLY miss you. I'm expecting to tell my docs to suck eggs in about a month or so- you can come back after that. I was thinking... I know you were all curly after the last chemo... but seriously... no more of that. I hated the curly look. I have no idea what to do with you and I am not down with having a fro'. Please remedy this when you grow back in.
Sincerely,
Fragile ego.
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